


Bothersome Things

by Snegurochka



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-05
Updated: 2009-01-05
Packaged: 2017-10-10 22:57:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/105333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snegurochka/pseuds/Snegurochka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>This is a story about how my gay uncles both tried to seduce my gay... cousin. Brother. Half-godbrother? Never mind. I don't even know what he is. Anyway. My uncles are sort of pervy. Well, Uncle Charlie especially. I don't think Percy really knew what he was getting into. What? Like I wasn't going to watch. It was summer hols and I was bored. Cut me a break, yeah?</i></p><p>9,900 words. R. Percy/Teddy and Charlie/Teddy, with a non-pairing appearance by Albus Severus. Written for hp_nextgen_fest. January 2009.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bothersome Things

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to florahart and islandsmoke for the beta work.

Okay, is everyone comfortable? Go grab a coffee or a beer or whatever suits you. I'll wait. Trust me: you don't want to miss a word of this. It might be the best story ever told, you know.

Well, _yes_, of course that's because I'm the one telling it. So what? It's still bloody brilliant, so fuck you.

This is a story about how my gay uncles both tried to seduce my gay... cousin. Brother. Half-godbrother? Never mind. I don't even know what he is. Anyway. My uncles are sort of pervy; you should probably be warned about that in advance. Well, Uncle Charlie especially. I don't think Percy really knew what he was getting into. In fact, _seduce _is definitely the wrong word for what he tried to do. _Flee_ might be more like it. Or _flail_. Or_ nothing_. Yeah, that's a better word for it.

He was damn lucky I was there, you know. Well, not to mention how lucky it was for all of us that Uncle Charlie is probably the biggest slag this side of the Danube.

What? Like I wasn't going to watch. It was summer hols and I was bored. Cut me a break, yeah?

*

There were currently three things bothering Percy Weasley.

First, he was divorced, as of fourteen months ago. This bothered him because he had always considered marriage to be analogous to the ultimate career advancement. You arrive promptly, work hard, pick up pastries at strategic times of the month, and occasionally have a wank in the loo. He'd thought it was all going swimmingly until the day Audrey packed her things and swung her leg over a broom out on the front lawn – behind a man who looked suspiciously like Nigel from accounting, come to think.

The note she'd left on the kitchen table was curt:

_I am not a job you can be good at, Percy_.

Well, there was more to the note than that, but as that had been the closing line, Percy had always remembered it.

The second thing bothering him this bright July morning was that he was late for work. His brows drew together and his fingers whitened around the handle of his teacup as he glanced at the clock. He'd not been late in twenty-one years, and now look: 8:01 a.m., and he was still standing in his kitchen drinking tea as if he had all the time in the world.

"Late? Oh, no," he said with a nervous laugh, his eyes darting to the clock again. "It's not a problem. I'm glad you stopped by."

He was speaking to the third thing bothering him: his brother-in-law's godson. Or his god-nephew? Whoever he was, he had landed on Percy's doorstep at 7:26 that morning with some paperwork from Bill at the bank, and he had been wearing what Percy thought of as his _bank glasses_, and his hair had been a warm shade of dark blond (for the lovely summer day, he'd said), and he'd let slip that he hadn't had tea yet that morning because Bill needed the papers back right away.

And so, Percy had done the polite thing and invited Teddy Lupin in for tea, disregarding the fact that he usually left for the Ministry at 7:35 a.m.

He peeked at the clock again. 8:09. Teddy concluded a story about– oh hell, who even knew what he'd been talking about? Those appealing little glasses were catching a glint of sun from the window, making Teddy's entire face glow a little bit, and Percy almost moaned. Teddy followed Percy's gaze to the clock.

"Oh, bollocks. I'm sorry; I know you're late." He picked up the parchment Percy had signed and rolled it up. "I'll have Bill call the Ministry, say you were held up on Gringott's business?"

Oh, good one! Percy's eyes widened in hope, but then he thought about the offer for another second, frowning. He was forty-five years old, for pity's sake. He should be allowed a minor morning indulgence without the Ministry collapsing, or without needing his brother to sign his tardy slip. "No, no," he said with a wave of his hand, pushing his glasses up his nose and dropping his cup into the sink with more clatter than he'd intended. "Really, despite my reputation among the more carefree Weasleys, I'm not _that_ uptight." He gave a nervous laugh, catching a thread from his sleeve on a partly open drawer.

"Oh! Here." Teddy caught him as he staggered, warm hands grasping Percy's shoulder and forearm. They both froze, breathing shallowly and glancing anywhere but at each other. "I never thought you were," said Teddy quietly, giving him a shy smile. Percy tried several times to move his limbs, but they didn't seem to be in any hurry.

Dammit.

Finally, Teddy released him and stepped back, taking his glasses off and shoving them in his pocket. "So, um, thank you." He held the scroll up. "I'll just– uh–"

"Right." Percy found his voice. "Okay. So, I'll see you–"

"Um, birthday dinner at Harry's Sunday? Or maybe–"

"Right, yes, Harry's. Or, what did you–"

"Just, if you ever wanted to–"

"Yes! Sure. I mean, wait. What were you going to–"

"Nothing. Oh, were you–"

"No. Yes. I–"

"You're late, I know, so–"

Percy paused, feeling the flush creep up his neck. "Right. I am. I was only going to say that– I mean– if you–"

*

Okay, stop. This is too painful to watch, isn't it? Let me fill you in.

That bloke there, with the freakishly clean fingernails and the socks that probably smell like lemon drops? That's my Uncle Percy.

And the other one, with the fake glasses he only wears at times like these and the fake scroll he didn't really need signed? That's Teddy, my... cousin. Brother. Almost cousin-in-law? Half-godbrother. Yeah, that's better. Not that I wouldn't like to have him for a real brother, don't get me wrong, since my real brother stopped being any fun around age nine – when he discovered that eldest children get to do anything they bloody want in this house, _God_.

Anyway, you might want to get comfortable, because what you saw just there? Yeah. That's how they talk _all the time_. Seriously. The rest of the family is ready to lock them in the loo together until they have no choice but to fuck.

Well, maybe not the entire family. But I'm pretty sure Victoire thinks so, and Lily, bless her, isn't nearly as clueless as she looks, and Uncle George definitely wishes they'd bloody well get on with it. One night last Christmas after he'd had too much firewhisky, he told me he'd give me fifty Galleons _and_ the keys to his shop if I could get him proof that Uncle Percy and Teddy were doing the horizontal tango.

Believe me, I've done everything short of slipping them an illegal aphrodisiac, trying to get that evidence. Uncle George's shop is _ace_.

Still no evidence, though, and so I can only assume there has also been no fucking. And yes, you're right if you're thinking that Uncle George isn't really the paragon of virtue in the family, betting on things like that with his sixteen-year-old nephew, but who else was he going to say something like that to – James? He'd just run to Dad and they'd both give poor Uncle George their Disappointed Face, and _I've_ seen that one enough times never to inflict it on anyone else.

But actually, I shouldn't speak ill of Uncle George, because he's bloody angelic compared to one of my other uncles, who could probably seduce his boss's kid, never call the next day and still convince everyone involved that he deserved a promotion. If the stories I've heard about him are right, he could sell fire to a dragon, is what I'm saying, and turn around and spend the fortune on hookers.

He might just be my bloody hero.

*

There were currently three things bothering Teddy Lupin.

First, he hadn't had sex in eight months, twenty-one days and – he squinted at his watch – four hours. Victoire liked to tease him that for Hufflepuffs, that was akin to not giving anyone a hug for eight months, twenty-one days and four hours, and how could he not be suicidal by now? But she could sod off. Just because she was a Gryffindor _and_ a slag didn't mean she got to judge his bloody sex life.

There were a couple of reasons for his dry spell. He was one of only three non-goblin employees at Gringott's, for one, and the others included Mr Higgins, who cleaned the chutes and was about eighty-five years old, and Victoire's bloody dad, who had been openly relieved when Teddy and Victoire had split up after Hogwarts, and thank fuck for that – Teddy didn't need a curse-breaker with a _fang_ earring after his arse for breaking his daughter's heart, Christ – but that didn't make the man dating material for Teddy.

The other reason was simply that trawling for cock was not among a Hufflepuff's natural talents. Not that Hufflepuffs didn't _like_ cock – in fact, if statistics on that sort of thing were kept, one might find that 'tapping the badger' was a convenient euphemism for the inclinations of the House as a whole. No, it was more that they just didn't have it in them to be either courageous, conniving or boringly academic about it, as Teddy figured each of the other Houses would be.

If a Hufflepuff bloke managed to meet someone fit and willing at a pub and was on his way home with him, he was apt to encounter an old lady with an armful of groceries, or a stupid cat stuck in a tree, or a lost kid sucking his thumb and crying on the sodding kerb, and then all his dreams of athletic sex would fly out the window as his genetic predisposition towards _helping_ kicked in.

Point being, Teddy had balls bluer than a Ravenclaw thong, but that was only one of the things currently bothering him.

The second was sitting across from him at the Potters' dinner table at the moment, subconsciously pushing his glasses up his nose every few minutes as he told Hermione a long story about the new regulations on international owl postage. Admittedly, it sounded dead boring but was told with such enthusiasm and animation that Teddy couldn't help but smile down at his plate as he listened.

Percy was fourteen months divorced and gay as the day was long, if Teddy's reading was right, and the poor bloke still couldn't seem to get it through his head that Audrey honestly wouldn't mind if he were to date someone, and that she would probably whoop in relief if that someone were a man, and furthermore, that Teddy himself would die a happy death if that man were him.

However, the third thing bothering Teddy was making it rather difficult for him to focus on Percy. Thick fingers moved steadily up his thigh as Teddy stared down at his plate, trying not to blush like a teenager.

"Pass the potatoes, please, birthday boy." The owner of that warm hand gave Harry a lazy smile as he gestured down the table and easily took hold of the dish Harry passed him in his free hand. He set it down beside him and scooped out some potatoes, never lifting his other hand from Teddy's thigh.

"So, what's the occasion, Charlie?" said Bill, sitting across from him at the long table. Teddy glanced up to find an uncharacteristically sly grin on his boss's face. "Haven't seen you in these parts in ages."

"Too long, I decided," said Charlie, grinning around a forkful of food. "Got to catch up with my dear brothers and their lovely ladies, or blokes–" Teddy could have sworn Charlie's gaze had lingered a bit too long on Percy – "and all these bloody sprogs." He elbowed Albus Severus on his other side, who whinged and fell dramatically into Victoire's lap. "And you," added Charlie, turning to Teddy with a slow smile.

Teddy paused, fork in mid-air.

Charlie lowered his voice, but that didn't seem to have any effect on the fact that the rest of the table could totally hear him. "You're not technically related to me, are you, Teddy?" he murmured, his fingers tracing lazy patterns over Teddy's thigh. "I can't remember."

This was exceptionally cruel of Charlie, Teddy decided, because if his cock had been vaguely interested in the light thigh rubbing earlier, it had just jumped to full attention at the renewed press of fingers and the low purr of Charlie's voice. "No," said Teddy slowly, swallowing and glancing to the side.

Charlie wet his lips, that heavy gaze still roaming over Teddy. "No," he agreed, finally pulling his hand away to cut his meat. Glancing up, Teddy could have sworn he saw Bill shake his head and stifle a grin.

"Well, he might as well be!" a shrill voice piped up. Everyone at their section of the long table turned towards Percy, his fork clenched in his fist and his neck a violent red. "He was practically raised in this house, and you've known him since he was a child! Honestly, Charlie." Percy stabbed at a bite of food. "You've no sense of morality at all."

"Morality?" Charlie put his fork down and leaned back in his chair, folding his thick arms over his chest. He looked terribly amused when Teddy stole a glance at him. "Is that what it's about, then?" he mused, more to himself than to anyone else. "All right." He cleared his throat. "Hey, princess," he called down the table. Victoire immediately looked up at the name, which made Teddy roll his eyes. "You're a Weasley, right?"

She gave him one of her charming smiles. "Sure am, Uncle Charlie."

"You related to Teddy here?" Charlie tilted his head to the side.

"Not a bit," she said cheerfully. "Good thing, too."

"Oh yeah?"

"Sure. Considering what we used to get up to at school." She and Charlie shared a mischievous grin while Teddy began to choke on a mouthful of ham. He hit himself in the chest.

"Might have been... oh, I don't know... _immoral_ if you'd been related, yeah?"

"Oh, more than immoral." She picked up her wine glass and waved it. "Would have been downright pervy."

Charlie laughed, deep and melodious. "Go on, then. Tell us all about what Teddy Lupin likes to get up to when he's being _moral_ with Weasleys he's not actually related to." He settled back in his chair again, watching Victoire over Albus's head.

"_Well_," she began with a flourish. "First of all, he likes nothing better than a warm mouth to–"

Bill finally slammed his palm down on the table and glared at the pair of them. "We don't need the details."

Alarmed, Teddy's eyes flew between Charlie and Victoire on one side of the table and Bill on the other. "Oh no, sir," he began. "She's just taking the piss, I swear. I would never– I mean, sort of, I did, but not what she's– um."

Squeezing his eyes shut, Bill held up a hand. Teddy swallowed his words, shooting a death glare at Victoire. She only took another sip of wine and winked at him.

"So," announced Charlie, breaking the tension, "we've established that Weasleys are not related to Teddy here, despite the fact that we are of course all very fond of him and adore his presence in our family." He slung an arm over the back of Teddy's chair, turning to face him. "And in that case – you want to go out sometime, then?"

*

Okay, hold on. Stop right there for a second and have a look at how he did that. You see? You see how he did it? It was fucking _genius_. That's why Uncle Charlie's my hero.

*

Percy could no longer enumerate the number of things bothering him, not least because he knew that he had no business being bothered by any of them.

Teddy was not his to want; that was obvious.

"Excuse me," he muttered to nobody in particular after the gasps and giggles had died down from the table, Teddy's face had returned to its normal colour from the adorable shade of pink it had turned at Charlie's proposition, and Teddy had favoured Charlie with a shy smile. Picking up his plate, Percy headed to the kitchen and dumped it in the sink, snapping a washing charm at it.

Bloody Charlie, in town for barely ten minutes and already making plans to shag the _one person_ Percy had felt any interest in since his divorce. He curled his fingers over the edge of the counter and straightened his arms, leaning into it with his head hanging between his shoulders and his eyes on the floor.

"... and why don't you put the kettle on while you're in there, dear."

There was a grunt of assent from the kitchen door as Teddy spilled in balancing an armful of plates. He turned to let the door swing closed behind him and saw Percy, who jumped to straighten up as Teddy entered.

"Oh. Hi." Teddy set the plates down on the counter. "Thought you were in the loo."

"What? Oh." Percy cleared his throat. "I was. Just, came back in here to contemplate tea. You're–" _going to go out with Charlie and never think twice about me, then?_ his brain supplied, but Percy closed his mouth over the words – "uh, did you enjoy your dinner?" Nice. God. Percy slumped against the counter.

"Sort of." Teddy smiled, leaning into the opposite counter and folding his arms over his chest. "I always forget how... unique your brother is, he comes around so rarely these days."

"Charlie?"

Teddy nodded.

"Oh. Unique. Yes. But it looks like you've been getting off– er, I mean, _on_ with him... well enough." Percy winced at the slip as Teddy gave a startled laugh.

"What? Oh, no. Not getting off. Not– just. You mean, because of what he and Victoire–"

"Just, I didn't know you fancied blokes." Percy pushed the words out in a rush, sighing with relief when he was done. There. One step forward in all these months of watching Teddy from afar. Finally asking the tough questions.

"Oh." Teddy scratched his forehead. "Well, I never really thought about it. Metamorphmagus and all that." He shrugged.

"Oh. Right." Percy paused, searching Teddy's face. "You mean..."

"Things like that tend to be a bit flexible." Teddy blinked. "You didn't know that?"

"Oh. Sure, I did." That was a lie. He hadn't known, and now, _God_, he'd just have to push down a million questions that had sprung into his mind about Teddy's mother, for pity's sake. He forged on. "Just, I know things didn't work out with Victoire, and you haven't brought anyone 'round for dinner in... well. Long as I can remember, really." Percy pushed his glasses up and turned back to the sink. "You know, you're welcome to." He cleared his throat. "I'm sure Harry's told you that. Just, no need to be shy, or hide, um–" he waved his hand – "someone who you might be... hiding."

Teddy gave him a curious look. "I'm not hiding anyone," he said softly, and Percy's spine melted a little bit.

They were quiet for several long seconds. Percy stared into the sink, wracking his brain for a new topic of conversation and coming up empty. Finally, Teddy broke the silence.

"So, uh, what you were telling Hermione about international owls... How does that work, then?"

Percy glanced up at him in surprise. "I can't imagine it's anything you'd be interested in."

Teddy settled back against the counter again, stretching his legs out. "Try me." He gave Percy a searching look, and Percy's mouth dried out. "I found some old letters of my dad's recently," Teddy added. "Up in my grandmother's attic. Nothing too exciting, despite my hopes that they'd reveal all his secret identities." His face warmed into a slow smile, shy and a bit awkward. "They were from Algeria in the '80s – had really strange markings on them. Maybe they could be of use to you, if there's a system down there for coding African owls? I'd be happy to bring them by if you'd like to have a look."

Percy ran a hand through his hair, considering. "That's strange. There's definitely a different system south of the Sahara, and another for Egypt that Bill's been helping with. I didn't know about Algeria, though." His mind started working through the filing cabinets at his office. "Certainly, bring them by the office sometime and we can–"

He paused as he glanced up at Teddy, his brain suddenly pushing forth every image it had repressed over dinner: Charlie dragging his fingers down Teddy's chest; Charlie leaning in to lick at Teddy's neck; Charlie pressing his body – bigger, more muscular, more _confident_ than Percy's had ever been – into Teddy's, holding him down against the kitchen counter and grinding his hips in as Teddy moaned, his head falling back and –

Percy dropped his gaze. "Ah, no, on second thought." He cleared his throat. Whatever Charlie and Teddy wanted to get up to was not Percy's concern. "It's probably nothing," he said curtly. "You can leave them with my assistant if you're in the building, but no need to make a special trip. I'm sure I've already got Algerian samples in my files somewhere."

Teddy's face shifted and his lips parted, but in another second they closed again. He pushed himself away from the counter and rubbed at his forehead. "Oh. Right. I'm sure you do. I just–" His gaze switched from the kitchen door back to Percy a few times before he finally sighed and headed for the door.

Behind him, Percy closed his eyes and focused on all the ways he'd like to flay, murder and dismember his older brother.

*

Now, I know what you're thinking: Uncle Percy is a nancy git. I've seen four-year-olds more apt to go after what they want. But, I mean, have a heart. He's probably still in a knot about wanting Teddy's sweet arse instead of Aunt Audrey's wrinkly tits.

What? She's _old_.

Okay, maybe she's the same age as Percy or Charlie, but that's what marriage does to a person, I reckon: makes them old and wrinkly. Even Percy's getting a bit crusty, as you can see. That's also why Uncle Charlie is bloody brilliant. He never got married, so he still looks completely fantastic.

One time in fifth year, after Dad lost his nut at me for getting caught with Ewan Smith's hand down my trousers out by the greenhouses – and thank you so much, Professor Longbottom, you wanker – I told him he could just fuck off, because I was going to run off to Romania and live with Uncle Charlie and ride dragons and never marry a stupid girl and let any bloke I bloody wanted put his hands down my trousers, because that's what I figured Uncle Charlie did on a regular basis.

I still think that, actually.

But that made Dad stop shouting at me, and we had to sit in the living room and have this big talk about how he'd been shouting because I'd been missing potions twice a week to snog Ewan, not because of Ewan himself per se. And then he said that if I _did_ want to go to Romania to visit Uncle Charlie and talk to him about blokes and hands down trousers and all of that, then I could do it.

So I did.

James gave me a weird pat on the back and told me stories about his stupid girlfriend, as if touching me had given him gay germs or something. Lily wrapped her arms around me and made me drag her all the way to the Portkey so that she could go, too, until Dad finally had to get out his special Auror wand and handcuff her to a tree till I was gone.

Anyway, that summer was brilliant, and Uncle Charlie had a lot of advice and stories and he even taught me how to saddle a dragon – and _no_, that doesn't mean what you think it means, which is what Mum thought when I told her. She took her own Portkey to Romania after I got back and hexed Uncle Charlie's bits purple, he said, but Mum's sort of a nutter about all this stuff, so what do you expect?

All I know is that even though he doesn't get to visit very often, Uncle Charlie's probably the most loyal Weasley out there. He really helped me out, is what I mean. I figure he'd walk to the North Pole and back on a path of fire for his family if they needed him, and don't ever let anyone tell you different.

*

As dinner ended, Teddy decided to stop being bothered by anything Percy did. Or did _not_ do, for that matter. After too many months of quiet interest, Teddy had come to the realisation that continuing to wait around for Percy to get his ducks in a row might mean never having sex again. It was long past time he took matters into his own hands and got proactive about ending his dry spell.

"Perce! You coming to the pub with us?" Charlie's hand lingered on the doorknob as he called back over his shoulder.

Percy glanced up from fastening his cloak. "Oh, well. I've work in the morning." He pushed his glasses up again with the crook if his index finger, and Teddy smiled at the familiar sight.

"So have I." Bill rolled his eyes. "So does Teddy, so does Harry, so does Ron, so does– well–" he paused – "okay, George doesn't and Charlie's a layabout. But still." He cuffed Percy on the back of the head. "Come on."

George slung an arm around Percy's neck, steering him out the door. As Teddy made to follow, he felt a muscled arm slide around his own shoulders. "So, I never asked you if you're still single," Charlie murmured to him with a smile Teddy could almost feel against his ear.

"Oh, uh, yeah." Teddy tried to tell his brain to take a step away, but Charlie was so _warm_. Teddy decided to go with it. So Charlie was a flirt. Didn't mean anything, and besides, it wasn't as though Percy seemed interested in making him any offers. Teddy lifted his chin. "I'm single."

"Come on, then, you brilliant little thing in those tight trousers of yours." Charlie's eyes flickered down over Teddy's body and back up, that lazy smile still on his face. "I'll ply you with alcohol and try to take advantage of you, how about that?"

Teddy glanced over at Percy who had fallen in step beside them. He was staring straight ahead with his lips mashed together as George talked his ear off. _Fuck it_. Teddy let his hand slide over Charlie's arse as they headed down the lane to Apparate. "Oh, I don't think I'll protest any of that," he said loudly, glancing over his shoulder again.

The group of them arrived at O'Callahan's, the neighbourhood Wizarding pub, and Harry waved at the bartender and blushed at the chorus of _Happy Birthday!_ that rang out across the place, the regulars all lifting their beer steins to him.

Forty-five minutes later, pleasantly light-headed from the beer and flush with the plain raucous fun a night out with the Potter and Weasley men always entailed, Teddy untangled himself from the mass of chairs piled around a table and headed for the loo. He banged the door open and staggered in, one hand already tugging at his zip.

Before he was done, the door opened behind him and Charlie strolled in. Charlie's eyes immediately zeroed in on Teddy's dick as he made to put it back in his pants.

"No, please," Charlie drawled, holding up a hand. "Don't let me interrupt."

Tucking himself back in, Teddy washed his hands and shook them out at his sides before tilting his head. "Something tells me you'd like nothing better."

Charlie shrugged. "Never been one to sit back while some other bloke goes after what I want." He glanced back at the door as if expecting someone.

Teddy furrowed his brow a bit at that but quickly brushed it off. He folded his arms over his chest and leaned back against the wall. "And you've decided that after how many years of knowing each other, you want _me_."

Charlie grinned.

"You don't think that would make family dinners a bit awkward down the road?" Teddy ticked the repercussions off on his fingers. "We shag; you make more cracks to Victoire over pudding about the size of my dick until Bill's head actually explodes all over the table; Albus comes in his pants just from listening to it all; and my _grandmother_, when she inevitably hears about it from your bloody sister or someone, gets to engage in yet another special edition rant about the Lupin men and their penchant for cock – and, hi, I still have not bleached my brain from the time she had too much sherry and went on that rant _before_, so–"

Charlie's grin broadened. He wiped the back of his hand over his mouth and sauntered forward, Teddy pinned in his gaze. "It'd make things more interesting, though, wouldn't it?"

Teddy snorted.

"Don't forget Percy," added Charlie as he moved in, burly arms trapping Teddy against the wall. "His head would explode long before Bill's." Charlie leaned in close and began to kiss up Teddy's neck.

"_Percy_," Teddy breathed, almost forgetting for a moment which Weasley brother this was. He closed his eyes as Charlie's lips moved over his throat. "He– _God_– what do you mean?"

Charlie pulled back a fraction, his fingers playing with the top button of Teddy's shirt. "He's wanted to get you naked for ages now," he murmured, walking his fingers up Teddy's throat until they were sliding lightly over his lips. "But since he doesn't seem capable of doing anything about it, maybe I get you first."

Teddy's head fell back against the wall, images surging through his mind of Percy unbuttoning Teddy's shirt, pushing it off his shoulders and gazing at his naked chest with that thoughtful, cautious look he always wore. Charlie's index finger nudged at Teddy's lips and he opened them to it, sucking it into his mouth and slipping the tip of his tongue along the pad of it.

Charlie groaned against Teddy's temple. "Jesus, kid," he muttered. He reluctantly pulled the finger back, using it to tilt Teddy's chin towards him. He leaned in and kissed him, warm lips asserting control over Teddy's mouth.

Teddy found himself spreading his fingers in the fabric of Charlie's shirt, clutching at him and pulling him in closer. Charlie responded with a brush of his tongue against Teddy's, deepening the kiss. Both Charlie's hands rose to Teddy's hair, sliding through it before settling just under his ears, Charlie's thumbs anchoring Teddy's jaw. Teddy melted into the kiss for several long moments, moaning against Charlie's mouth.

As he came up for air, he remembered the rest of the family sitting just outside the door, including Percy, and a wave of guilt hit him. He tried to summon the courage to push Charlie away, but Charlie pulled back first. He released Teddy's bottom lip and let his hands slide into Teddy's hair again. A slow smile spread over Charlie's face as he appraised Teddy, placing one more kiss on his forehead.

"Not here, I reckon," he murmured, and a renewed shiver ran through Teddy. Charlie stepped back at last, wiping his hand over his mouth as his eyes danced over Teddy's body. He smoothed his shirt, ran a hand through his hair and strolled back to the door before turning to Teddy. "Friday night?" he asked. "Let's go to Godric's Gutter, yeah? The clubs in Bucharest are pure shit; I've missed that place."

Swallowing hard, Teddy nodded.

"Tell Albus, too," added Charlie, reaching for the door. "He's too young, but what the fuck. Kid needs to start learning a thing or two. Here, come on." He beckoned with two fingers. "Might as well leave together; they all know we've been in here anyway."

Teddy tried not to panic at that thought.

When they reached their table again, Harry and Ron kept chatting, oblivious; George gave Teddy a wink and a rude hand gesture; Bill glanced at them and then pinched the bridge of his nose; and Percy...

Teddy's stomach dropped to the floor. Percy's eyes travelled down Teddy's rumpled shirt and then up, past his face to his hair. Teddy's mind whirled. His _hair_. Fuck. His hand flew up and he tried to pat it down, but he figured it was no use. Charlie had run his fingers through it in every direction; Teddy could only imagine the debauched picture he presented.

Charlie dropped back into his chair and clapped Percy on the back, talking none too quietly about how once you've had a Metamorphmagus you'll never go back, because bloody hell, the things those blokes could do with their –

And then Percy was shoving his chair back, jumping to his feet and grabbing his cloak. He muttered something about having work in the morning, paused to wish Harry a stiff Happy Birthday, and without another glance at Teddy, he strode out of the pub.

*

Okay, no, I wasn't actually _there_ for some of this stuff, so maybe it didn't exactly happen this way, but this is what Teddy told me later, and Teddy's a Hufflepuff for God's sake. Those bastards wouldn't tell a lie even if they were paid in edible gold underpants to do it.

Anyway, did you see how Uncle Charlie made sure I got to go to the gay club with them? He's fucking fantastic; I don't care what anyone else thinks. I had to get Uncle Percy to sneak me out so my mum didn't have a fit over it, but even that was worth it.

*

_Bothersome_ no longer came anywhere close to describing the knot of rage uncoiling in Percy's stomach.

It was Friday night after a rotten week at work. In ascending order of importance, Percy wanted to go home, make a cup of tea, change his trousers into something beltless, finish the unexpectedly compelling adventure novel he'd been reading and fall asleep by, oh, 9:30 p.m. And that was the ambitious version. He actually expected only to get home and remove his belt before losing consciousness on the couch.

Five minutes after he'd arrived home, however, and already long past dinnertime and well into the realm of bedtime for both forty-something workaholics _and_ irritating teenagers, Albus Severus knocked on Percy's door.

Percy was not terribly fond of Albus. It was an awful thing for an uncle to admit, but honestly, the child was petulant and lazy. He'd been spending far too many weekends with Charlie, Percy was willing to wager. He'd have to have a chat with Harry and Ginny sometime about the boy's insolence.

"Uncle _Percy_," Albus sang out, banging on the door until Percy threw it open, glaring at him.

"What is it?" he asked through tight lips, his belt still fastened. His unbuttoned collar and rolled-up sleeves were the only signs that he'd had five minutes to himself before the racket had begun. As soon as he saw the boy, though, Percy's face softened. "Are you– what's happened?"

Albus's bottom lip wobbled. "Uncle Charlie promised to take me out tonight, but he went with Teddy instead."

Percy closed his eyes and struggled not to hex him. "That is not my concern." He made to close the door, but Albus stuck his arm out to block it.

"It's just that it's really hard for me, being gay and all." Albus blinked at him, his cheeks flushed.

Percy rolled his eyes. "No, it's not. I've never seen a teenager more thrilled with the news." He pushed at the door again, but Albus jammed his leg in.

"Just, it'd be nice if one of my uncles could take me to a gay club and not blow me off. Charlie's so unreliable."

"No."

Albus paused, frowning. "Okay. I just–" He sighed. "I didn't want to mention this, because I didn't want you to get in a fight with Uncle Charlie, but..." He bit his lower lip.

Percy sighed, massaging his eyes with his thumb and forefinger under his glasses. "What?" he asked wearily.

"Well, Teddy didn't really seem like he wanted to go. Told me this morning that he's a bit afraid of Uncle Charlie, in fact – thinks he wants to force Teddy into a threesome, maybe, or something nasty with the other blokes at that club. You know–" he leaned forward, his eyes wide – "the ones who wear all the leather."

Percy was suddenly wide awake, images rolling through his mind of Teddy on his knees surrounded by men in leather or masks or nipple clamps. He didn't know whether to be horrified or aroused. A moment later, his mind clicked back into place. He narrowed his eyes. "You might have started with that one," he ground out, shoving Albus out the door at last and bolting it behind him.

"I'm sure he's fine," called Albus, his voice partly muffled by the door. "I begged him to mirror call to check in with me, and he's only an hour late. I guess I'll just go home and... wait to see if he shows up for dinner on Sunday. If he doesn't, maybe Dad can get someone on the force to look for him..."

Percy breathed in deeply, trying to maintain his calm and rationality. On one hand, Albus was a manipulative child with a penchant for troublemaking; he knew that. On the other, Teddy valued punctuality almost as much as Percy did himself. Usually. Percy pressed his forehead against the door and tried to forget Teddy Lupin had ever existed.

It didn't work.

Grimacing, he flung the door open and found Albus wandering around at the end of the lane, casually kicking at stones and checking a timepiece. This was the worst idea ever, Percy knew, but he couldn't erase the image of Teddy from his mind. What if he _was _in trouble? Bugger.

Three minutes later, Percy and Albus arrived outside a black stone building.

Albus immediately removed his cloak – revealing, Percy noticed with widening eyes, a tight black vest and equally tight trousers, with a _collar_ fastened around his neck, for pity's sake – and wrenched the heavy door open. Throwing Percy an innocent grin, he pulled Percy inside and clanked the door shut behind them.

Assaulted by strobe lighting and skull-bruising music, Percy struggled to follow Albus inside. A throng of bodies closed in around him and he tugged at his collar, although it was already unbuttoned. It was difficult to breathe. When his senses became more accustomed to the atmosphere in the club, he swallowed hard, realising that he was surrounded by men dressed suspiciously like Albus. Who were dancing with each other. And... groping. And... oh, _God_.

Some of them, up against the back wall, were clearly doing much more than dancing or groping.

"Come on," mouthed Albus, drowned out by the noise and still dragging Percy further inside by his arm. Percy shook his head.

"I'm leaving," he tried to shout, but ahead of him, Albus didn't hear. He had led Percy nearly to the back of the dance floor, where the thumping music was a bit less oppressive, before he released Percy's hand and shrugged, turning to him. "I don't see him," said Albus, worried eyes darting around. "You stay here. I'll check at the bar."

Percy protested that plan, making to grab Albus's arm again, but the boy disappeared back into the crowd before Percy could follow. "Dammit," he muttered, rubbing his temples. He glanced around helplessly for a second before his eyes began to focus on the shapeless bodies. There were lithe young things with vests like Albus's rucked up around their chests as they ground their hips into each other; and there were bigger, more muscular men with no shirts on at all, pinning their prey to the walls and thrusting deeply. There was a good deal of sweat and moaning and all in all, it quickly became a place that at once fascinated and disgusted Percy.

He needed to leave.

Except when he turned to find his way back through the crowd, his gaze caught a couple against the wall. One man was shirtless, his biceps and shoulder muscles rippling under a pair of smooth, green and black dragon tattoos, while the other... Percy stared. He didn't know what the other one was wearing or doing, because he couldn't look past the head of wild, turquoise hair thrown back against the bigger man's chest.

A pulse of unchecked rage blazed through Percy. How _dare_ Charlie do this to him? Seeing them flirt at the dinner table was one thing; watching them emerge, panting, from the loo at the pub had been quite another. But as much as those incidents had riled him, he'd never had to actually let his eyes register the two of them having _sex_, Charlie pressing up against Teddy's back and shoving inside him, over and over again.

Crushed and livid and searing with energy he couldn't name or control, Percy flung his arms out and pushed his way back through the crowd, his eyes fixed on the door. _Bastard_, he thought to himself. Both of them – fucking _bastards_.

Once out in the cool night air, he kicked at a stone in the alley and balled his hands into fists.

This whole situation was ridiculous. He'd never had to compete with Charlie for anything before. Charlie had played Quidditch; Percy had led the Gobstones team. Charlie had gone into a career with magical creatures; Percy had always longed to own filing cabinets at the Ministry. Charlie had chased his pick of men, always laughing at the rest of the Weasleys and their marriage shackles, as he called them; Percy had settled down with Audrey and expected to _enjoy_ his shackles very much.

He'd never expected to find himself divorced at his age and hopelessly in love with a twenty-four-year-old man who wanted nothing to do with him.

He should just go back home and finish his book.

He should make a cup of tea and finally loosen these dreaded trousers.

He should catch up on some bookkeeping this weekend and possibly make a stew – something big enough to last him through the following week of working late nights.

Maybe, if he hurried, he'd have time for a quick wank in the shower before his favourite programme came on the wireless.

With each new thought of this nature that popped into his head, Percy became increasingly agitated. It wasn't bleeding _fair_ that Charlie should get to go out and do whatever he wanted, riding into town like this and destroying months of Percy's careful inching towards the courage to move further with Teddy. Charlie could shag any bloke he wanted; why did it have to be the one person Percy wanted as well?

Running his hands through his hair and then shaking out his fingers at his sides, Percy refocused on the door to the club. He took three deep breaths to shore up his courage before he began to stride towards it.

Albus came bursting out as he approached, sighing with relief and throwing his hands up. "Uncle Percy,_ God_, where've you been? I was bloody worried about you!"

"Bugger off," snapped Percy, charging past him and through the door. He stalked across the dance floor, manoeuvering through the throngs of sweaty skin and pumping hips. When he reached the couple at the back, he blinked at the sight of Charlie's hands stilling in a desperate twist around Teddy's chest as his hips stopped moving. His mouth fell open and he groaned, his face flushed with exertion, before he seemed to regain his senses and a broad grin spread over his face. He leaned in to kiss Teddy's neck.

Percy stormed over to the pair of them before he lost his nerve. He grabbed Charlie's shoulder and made to fling him around, but Charlie was stronger. He only shrugged Percy off like he would a fly. He did pause, though, turning to glance over.

"Little busy here, Perce," he panted.

"I have never asked for anything from you," Percy began, his voice shaking as he jabbed his index finger into Charlie's bicep. "I never cared that you were so popular at school, or so good at Quidditch, or such a bloody rebel for moving to Romania. I've only wanted what was best for you – even when I hated Mum and Dad, when I thought the war was going all wrong, I never begrudged you _anything_." He paused, his chest heaving. Underneath Charlie, Teddy seemed to be cowering against the wall, his face buried in his arms.

"Perce, come on, don't–" began Charlie, his expression soft, but Percy couldn't stop.

"And you _know_ me," he continued. "You know this divorce has been awful, and you know–" he swallowed – "you know I've not been very happy. There was one thing that made me happy, one person I've looked forward to seeing every week since all this happened, _one_ person who's made me interested in anything again." He shook his head, trying not to look at the bright shock of Teddy's hair.

Percy took a step backwards.

"I know I'm not exactly a Romeo like you are," he bit out, "but I still thought that maybe, someday, I'd figure out how to invite him in for tea and be able to say, 'Hey, you know, you're actually the most brilliant person I've met in years, and I know I'm old and fussy and I don't like dance clubs–'" he winced for a moment at the bass music – "'but if you'd come for tea again sometime, I'd really like that, and what I'd really like is to do even more than just have tea with you – a _lot_ more, and just–'" He lost his train of thought and paused, squeezing his eyes closed. Bugger.

When he opened them, Charlie was stepping back from Teddy and tucking himself back in his jeans. "Percy," he said, searching for Percy's eyes. When Percy looked up, Charlie touched Teddy's arm. "I'd like you to meet someone. Hey, what's your name, anyway?" he added, grinning at the turquoise-haired man.

"Oh, you awful old queen," the man tutted, punching Charlie playfully on the arm. "Jonathan," the man announced, extending his hand, "which he very well knows." He swatted Charlie again and then pulled one of Charlie's fingers into his mouth, moaning around it.

Once the man had turned around, Percy's eyes widened and his mind raced. He blinked, ignoring the offered hand.

"Oh, honey," Jonathan said as he disentangled himself from Charlie and hauled his own trousers up. He moved forward to take Percy's hand, patting it. "You've got _issues_." Blowing one last kiss to Charlie, he disappeared into the crowd.

Flummoxed, Percy thrust his finger out in accusation. "Metamorphmagus! You didn't want me to catch you with him, is all."

Charlie rolled his eyes, pointing over Percy's shoulder.

Percy turned slowly to find Teddy and Albus standing a few paces behind him, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. His gaze flew to Teddy's dark blond hair and he blinked, glancing between Charlie and Teddy for a moment.

Still looking stunned, Teddy spoke cautiously. "I've not worn my hair that colour since I was fourteen." The edges of a smile tugged at his lips, and Percy felt his face flame. "But I could," he added, "if you like it that way."

"I– assumed–" Percy stammered, still gesturing between Charlie and Teddy. "But, at the pub?"

Teddy shook his head. "Nothing happened. I didn't–" he paused, stepping forward to grasp Percy's wrist. The look on his face nearly made Percy's knees give out. "Did you mean all of that?" he asked quietly.

A million excuses flooded Percy's brain, and his instinct to flee was strong. But Teddy's eyes were soft and his face earnest, and Percy found himself nodding before he could stop. "Of course I did," he murmured, and then there wasn't really time for any more thinking, because Teddy's hands flew up to frame Percy's face. He pulled him in for a searing kiss, his lips warm and insistent as his thumbs stroked over Percy's jaw, and oh, okay, _oh_.

Percy was lost.

He clutched at Teddy's shirt and parted his lips, letting all the emotion he'd been repressing for months now pour forth. Teddy's tongue slid against his, and Percy was vaguely aware that kissing this obscenely in public was not something he generally favoured, but he couldn't bother to worry too much about that. The pounding music crept up his spine again, and he wanted to get out of the place, to run off with Teddy and strip him down and kiss him again, just like this, until –

*

Okay, God, now Uncle Percy's just getting soppy. Christ. It was a pretty hot kiss, I'll give them that, but I still didn't really need to see it, you know? Ugh.

Anyway, now do you see how fantastic Uncle Charlie is? Do you? Because I know you've been thinking he's a total dick.

*

Teddy tried very hard to shut out Charlie, Albus and the strobe lighting that was starting to make his head pound. He focused on only one thing: Percy wanted to invite him for tea. And more than tea. A _lot_ more, he'd said. He grabbed Percy and kissed him hard, before Percy could try to take it all back or pretend he hadn't said it.

The club had been a terrible idea – not the sort of place that had ever appealed to Teddy – but Charlie had been remarkably persistent, and now Teddy saw why.

"Come on, kid," Charlie had said between drags on his cigarette earlier that evening. "Just for an hour or two. I've got a bloke there who owes me a favour. Besides," he'd added with a smirk, "you never know when you might meet your knight in shining armour at a place like that. Albus'll be along in a bit." His hand had lingered over the small of Teddy's back. "He's got an errand to run for me, and then we should be all set."

Teddy had sighed, but with a quick slap on his arse, he'd followed Charlie despite himself. It was pretty hard not to, after all.

"All you need to do is have a good time, and watch out for Albus when he gets there, yeah? Stay clear of me; I've got some business to take care of." With that he'd grinned, rubbing at his jaw. "Unless you don't _want_ to stay clear of me–" he'd added, tilting his head at Teddy – "in which case, maybe we can work something out later."

Teddy had seized on the chance to set things straight. If Charlie started kissing him again or backing him into walls, Teddy was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to say no. "This, uh, probably isn't a good idea," he'd fumbled, gesturing between them. "I mean, you're brilliant, don't get me wrong, but I've–"

"Got your eyes on someone else, yeah, yeah." Charlie waved his fag. "Don't I know it. No, don't worry about it," he'd added, and before Teddy could protest again, they'd Apparated to Godric's Gutter and he'd found himself pushing into the sea of writhing bodies on the dance floor.

Now, he pulled Percy through the club and out into the alley, pausing in the sudden quiet with his hand tight around Percy's arm. He opened his mouth to say something but found he didn't know what that should be. Percy appeared equally lost, gazing at him with wide eyes and flushed cheeks. Not knowing what else to do, Teddy backed him gently into the shadows of the alley until his back hit a wall. He reached up slowly and pushed a lock of Percy's hair off his forehead, running his fingertips lightly across Percy's brow and down the side of his face until he finally tucked the strand of hair behind Percy's ear.

Percy closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, and Teddy melted against him a little bit, his hand still cupping the side of Percy's face.

"What do you reckon we do now?" asked Teddy with a shy smile.

"I– well." Percy swallowed, his voice low. "I don't quite know, to be honest. That was my first– public confession of– whatever it was. And to a– well, a _man_, and so– I–"

Teddy leaned in and brushed his lips over Percy's again, not to silence but to reassure him. "Well, we could go back to your place and have tea," offered Teddy when he pulled back again, his lips still close to Percy's.

Percy breathed out a soft laugh. "I– yes. Certainly. That would be nice."

He was _adorable_, Teddy decided, with his hair curling around his ears from the humidity of the club and his face flushed with embarrassment. Teddy _should_ lead them back to one of their flats and ease him into this, but he didn't want to wait that long. He couldn't resist the idea of getting Percy to let down some of his defences right there against that wall. "Or," began Teddy, the tip of his nose sliding slowly up the side of Percy's face, "we could stay here a bit longer, and just–" He pressed his body in closer, trapping Percy against the wall.

Percy moaned, low in his throat.

"Tell me again," whispered Teddy, his hands moving down Percy's body. "Tell me you meant what you said, that you want me."

Percy gazed at him, soft fingertips tracing along the edge of Teddy's jaw. "You're twenty-four and have an arse I could bounce a Sickle off of," he murmured, his eyes searching Teddy's face as a faint smile appeared on his lips. "Who wouldn't want you?"

"That's not what I asked." Teddy watched him. "I don't want anyone else. Tell me _you_ want me."

Percy dropped his eyes, sagging back against the wall. "You can't possibly," he muttered. "Charlie..."

"I don't want Charlie," he said quietly, leaning in to brush his jaw against Percy's. "I've not been showing up at Charlie's every other day with scrolls to sign, have I?"

Percy swallowed.

"I've not stayed late at Harry's every Sunday night for months now, trying to ask you about cauldron regulations or some such ridiculous thing because I was thinking about _Charlie_."

Percy looked up sharply at that, his eyes focusing on Teddy as if for the first time. He stood up straighter and fingered the buttons of Teddy's shirt. "Really?" he asked. With a soft laugh, Teddy leaned in to kiss him again.

"Really," he breathed against Percy's lips, and that was all the reassurance Percy needed, apparently, because after that he tugged at Teddy's shirt and pulled him in for a searing kiss, his tongue hot against Teddy's and his hands roaming down Teddy's back and arse. Teddy groaned as Percy pulled him forward. He pinned Percy against the wall and ground in hard. "Okay," he panted. "God, let me just– Have to–"

He worked his hands down and tore at their trousers, fumbling with Percy's belt while Percy gasped into his mouth. When the fabric was finally shoved down around their hips, Teddy pressed in harder and wrapped one hand around them, groaning at the feel of warm skin against his palm and Percy's obvious arousal sliding against his own. Percy's hands slid around Teddy's neck and his fingers dug into Teddy's skin, slow moans falling from Percy's lips.

He huddled close to Teddy, his face buried in Teddy's shoulder as Teddy's hand worked faster. "My God," gasped Percy, his breath hot against Teddy's neck, and as the white heat of his desire began to slide down his spine, Teddy couldn't help but think that if it had been eight months for him, surely it had been even longer for Percy. The poor bastard, so repressed for so long. Teddy doubled his efforts, determined to make sure Percy never again entertained any doubts about doing this.

His release hit him hard, and he stilled his hips against Percy's body. Percy grabbed the back of Teddy's neck hard enough to bruise, his gasps of pleasure hot against Teddy's ear as his release followed quickly after Teddy's. Panting, Teddy reluctantly slid his hand free and whispered a Cleaning charm. Then he tilted Percy's face up towards him and smiled shyly. Percy returned the smile, his cheeks flushed and his lips raw and parted.

Teddy kissed him, deep and slow, wondering once more why it had taken them so long to get to this point.

"Well, _that_, my dear brother, was positively filthy of you."

Teddy groaned, his head falling to Percy's shoulder. He feared turning around.

"Gotta say, Perce, I wouldn't have thought you'd be the sort for a quickie in a back alley, but then, I suppose you've got years of celibacy to make up for, yeah?"

"Not _years_, and if you don't mind, Charlie–"

"Fuck off, is what he means," Teddy interrupted with a shy smile, hauling his trousers up and turning at last to shake his head at Charlie, who was leaning against a nearby lamppost, smoking.

"Yeah, yeah," said Charlie with a wave of his hand. "I'm going. Just had to make sure all my hard work had paid off."

Laughing, Teddy ran his hand through his hair, pausing to rest it on top of his head. "Whatever would we have done without you?" he drawled, and Charlie grinned.

"What have you done with Ginny's child, by the way?" asked Percy pointedly as he fastened his trousers and glared at Charlie.

"What?" Charlie glanced back over his shoulder. "Oh, he's fine. Told him he'd earned his reward for all this–" Charlie waved his fag between Percy and Teddy – "so he might as well stay in there and find a cock to suck. Oh, keep your knickers on, Perce," he added as Percy began to sputter. "I'll get him home safe."

"Not that," Percy protested. "I meant, reward for all of _what_?"

Charlie dropped his fag to the ground and pressed his boot over it. "I'm just the hired help," he said, spreading his hands out in front of him. "Albus is the brains of the operation. Something about George's shop, I think he said." He pushed himself away from the lamppost and began to stroll down the alley. "Hey, Teddy," he called back over his shoulder, pausing in his step and nodding back at Percy. "If he ever breaks your heart, you know where to find me, yeah?"

"Yeah," Teddy called back with a laugh, running his hand up the back of Percy's neck and into his hair. He leaned in and kissed him quickly to stifle Percy's rising protests to Charlie, smiling at him when he pulled away. "But he won't."

*

Well! I'm the only Slytherin in this whole bloody family. What did you expect?

 

-fin-


End file.
